It has been ages since I posted!
My grandmother Connie passed away October 2012. I am no longer a family caregiver, and it could not be a more strange world.
I joined an amazing website called AfterGiving that is specifically designed for former family caregivers. The support on that website is incredible! Please check it out.
As you may know, San Francisco is incredibly expensive. Right after my grandma passed, I freaked out thinking I would have to move to Oakland or to the suburbs outside of San Francisco. Luckily, a family friend of one of my best friend is renting their in-law apartment to me. Whew. I now reside in the OuterLands of SF, a beautiful beach community of young surfers and old hippies. <3
Caregiving for family members is such a complex way of life. Post-caregiving is even harder, I think, because you are left with deconstructing your emotions all by yourself. Even with seeing a therapist twice per week, journaling, and participating on the Aftergiving.com forum, I still feel deep in my grieving process. My mood is unpredictable, random songs will make me cry, and I never know when the thought will really hit me that I have no family left.
I hope to post more often. Until then, take care my friends.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I Can't Believe She's Been Gone a Whole Year
It's one year today since my mother died.
She had been moaning, not eating, and out of it for four days. I played soothing music non stop. I stroked her hands and told her it was OK for her to join daddy and her siblings and her dad in heaven. I told her I would be fine, she had taught and loved me well. I dabbed her favorite vanilla and jasmine scented oil underneath her nose. I brushed her hair.
That night she was moaning terribly. I had to put headphones on to sleep. But I swear I heard her gasp in the middle of the night. In the morning, she was gone.
In this year since she passed I have traveled to six countries, am one semester away from being the first in my family to graduate college, and ran my first 10k race. It feels good to let go of the guilt and some of the sadness by taking care of ME. I'm only 26 and can't wait for my life to finally "start". But thinking of spending the next 60+ years without my mom is still devastating.
She had been moaning, not eating, and out of it for four days. I played soothing music non stop. I stroked her hands and told her it was OK for her to join daddy and her siblings and her dad in heaven. I told her I would be fine, she had taught and loved me well. I dabbed her favorite vanilla and jasmine scented oil underneath her nose. I brushed her hair.
That night she was moaning terribly. I had to put headphones on to sleep. But I swear I heard her gasp in the middle of the night. In the morning, she was gone.
In this year since she passed I have traveled to six countries, am one semester away from being the first in my family to graduate college, and ran my first 10k race. It feels good to let go of the guilt and some of the sadness by taking care of ME. I'm only 26 and can't wait for my life to finally "start". But thinking of spending the next 60+ years without my mom is still devastating.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Introducing Grandma Connie
~Every Girl Loves Flowers~
Introducing my fabulous grandmother, Connie Douglass.
We're in our corner coffee shop with fresh flowers from the Saturday
farmer's market. It's rare that I have a Saturday off from work but when I do, it's off to the farmer's market we go for flowers and Indian samosas (she loves them!). They also have a live band in the plaza. I usually park Grandma in her wheelchair in front of the band while I shop. Then we drink coffee, eat samosas, and listen to the music together.
This 91 year old rockstar grew up in Lewiston, ME. Born to a French Canadian shoemaker and American police officer and bricklayer, she is the oldest of three. At 18 years old she answered her country's call and signed up to be an Army nurse on a war ship picking up wounded soldiers in North Africa and Europe.
She met her future husband on that ship, Tommy Moore, a merchant marine. They wed and had four children (my mother was the oldest) then moved out West to San Francisco, CA for better opportunities. My grandmother joined General Hospital as an Emergency Room nurse and my grandfather drove buses for MUNI, the public transportation system in SF. Here's a funny link to see the love-hate relationship us San Franciscans have with MUNI.
And we've been living in San Francisco ever since!
We're in our corner coffee shop with fresh flowers from the Saturday
farmer's market. It's rare that I have a Saturday off from work but when I do, it's off to the farmer's market we go for flowers and Indian samosas (she loves them!). They also have a live band in the plaza. I usually park Grandma in her wheelchair in front of the band while I shop. Then we drink coffee, eat samosas, and listen to the music together.
This 91 year old rockstar grew up in Lewiston, ME. Born to a French Canadian shoemaker and American police officer and bricklayer, she is the oldest of three. At 18 years old she answered her country's call and signed up to be an Army nurse on a war ship picking up wounded soldiers in North Africa and Europe.
She met her future husband on that ship, Tommy Moore, a merchant marine. They wed and had four children (my mother was the oldest) then moved out West to San Francisco, CA for better opportunities. My grandmother joined General Hospital as an Emergency Room nurse and my grandfather drove buses for MUNI, the public transportation system in SF. Here's a funny link to see the love-hate relationship us San Franciscans have with MUNI.
And we've been living in San Francisco ever since!
Friday, September 28, 2012
Taking Care of Yourself
Ask anyone who has been caregiving long enough and they will tell you that you HAVE to take care of yourself. If you get sick or burnt out, who will take care of the person(s) you are responsible for? Have you ever watched the safety video before your flight takes off? I always wondered how they expect a mother to place the oxygen mask over her mouth first before her children. But the logic is that in an emergency you, as the controlling adult, must be saved so you can help your children. It is similiar to being a caregiver. Here are some things I do to avoid caregiver burnout:
1. Spend $10 on Yourself at a Thrift Shop
I've been there, broke as a joke with four dollars to last me two weeks. I understand if you don't have the $10.00 to spend. But I recommend cutting back on something in order to give yourself the money. You deserve it! And you'll be amazed what you can score for only $10 in a thrift store. When I just need to clear my head, I mosey over to the GoodWill and peruse. Sometimes just trying on outfits or looking at all of the odds and ends in the kitchenware section makes me feel revived. My favorite item to buy when low on funds is a scarf. They are surely to be under $5 (mine always are and I live in expensive San Francisco!) and make you feel fancy.
2. Make a Scented Oil Compress
I saw these on a daytime TV show called The Dish. They induce a state of "ahhhhhh." My mom purchased a couple of viles of essential jasmine and vanilla oil at a flea market. You can look at your local flea market or on amazon.com for whatever scents you like. Put a few drops on a damp washcloth. Roll them up tightly and keep by your nightstand. You can wipe them over your face and hands cold or microwave them for 30 seconds, up to you. If I feel myself starting to blow up at my grandma, I reach for one of these to calm down.
3. Write in a Journal
This is my all time favorite way to spend time with yourself. Often times I don't understand why I blow up at my grandma. It seems to be over something small, like she can't turn the channel on her remote and it really pisses me off to have to get up from my bed and help her. That is so not like me! So when writing in my journal I explore that incident and I often end up writing about other feelings and having a cry-fest to get it all out. Then I apologize to my grandmother and address the real issue with her.
4. Make a Collage of You and Your Family Member
When I get really annoyed and frustrated with my grandma and my situation as a caregiver, I take some time to look at photos of us during happier times. Especially looking at pictures of Grandma caring for me when I was a baby help remind me how much I love, respect, and owe her. If you have old pictures you can easily make them into a collage with cutouts of words from magazine and newspapers, or by printing words out yourself. I've added "patience", "love", "what goes around comes around", and "family" to mine.
5. Plan a Getaway
This is a relatively easy one for me since I work at an airline and can get away last minute for free (yup, free!). If you have children or a traditional job this may require more planning. But it is so worthwhile! Especially if you live in a cold and rainy climate, it's important to experience sunshine. I live in San Francisco, Ca and often travel to sunny San Diego,Ca or Las Vegas, NV. Even planning a "staycation" to a park or museum really helps. Look on their website or call them up to ask about discounted and/or free days. Most museums and exploratoriums have them.
6. Volunteer at an Event You Want to Attend
I don't have extra spending money to attend concerts or festivals. But that doesn't stop me from enjoying them! I've volunteered at Coachella Music Festival in Southern California, High Sierra and OutsideLands Music Festival in Northern California. Usually if you work four hours per day, you're given a ticket to enjoy the rest of that day or entire weekend if it's a festival. These festivals are a perfect way to rejuvenate your spirit. Caregiving for a family member is tough on you physically, mentally, and spiritually. Indulge in a day or weekend of positive energy and beautiful music. Usually you can meet people online to catch a ride there. I often times receive free meals from vendors that I make friends with at the festival. It is all about putting yourself out there. My experience is mainly with festivals, but you can apply this to conferences, conventions, races, and street fairs.
1. Spend $10 on Yourself at a Thrift Shop
I've been there, broke as a joke with four dollars to last me two weeks. I understand if you don't have the $10.00 to spend. But I recommend cutting back on something in order to give yourself the money. You deserve it! And you'll be amazed what you can score for only $10 in a thrift store. When I just need to clear my head, I mosey over to the GoodWill and peruse. Sometimes just trying on outfits or looking at all of the odds and ends in the kitchenware section makes me feel revived. My favorite item to buy when low on funds is a scarf. They are surely to be under $5 (mine always are and I live in expensive San Francisco!) and make you feel fancy.
2. Make a Scented Oil Compress
I saw these on a daytime TV show called The Dish. They induce a state of "ahhhhhh." My mom purchased a couple of viles of essential jasmine and vanilla oil at a flea market. You can look at your local flea market or on amazon.com for whatever scents you like. Put a few drops on a damp washcloth. Roll them up tightly and keep by your nightstand. You can wipe them over your face and hands cold or microwave them for 30 seconds, up to you. If I feel myself starting to blow up at my grandma, I reach for one of these to calm down.
3. Write in a Journal
This is my all time favorite way to spend time with yourself. Often times I don't understand why I blow up at my grandma. It seems to be over something small, like she can't turn the channel on her remote and it really pisses me off to have to get up from my bed and help her. That is so not like me! So when writing in my journal I explore that incident and I often end up writing about other feelings and having a cry-fest to get it all out. Then I apologize to my grandmother and address the real issue with her.
4. Make a Collage of You and Your Family Member
When I get really annoyed and frustrated with my grandma and my situation as a caregiver, I take some time to look at photos of us during happier times. Especially looking at pictures of Grandma caring for me when I was a baby help remind me how much I love, respect, and owe her. If you have old pictures you can easily make them into a collage with cutouts of words from magazine and newspapers, or by printing words out yourself. I've added "patience", "love", "what goes around comes around", and "family" to mine.
5. Plan a Getaway
This is a relatively easy one for me since I work at an airline and can get away last minute for free (yup, free!). If you have children or a traditional job this may require more planning. But it is so worthwhile! Especially if you live in a cold and rainy climate, it's important to experience sunshine. I live in San Francisco, Ca and often travel to sunny San Diego,Ca or Las Vegas, NV. Even planning a "staycation" to a park or museum really helps. Look on their website or call them up to ask about discounted and/or free days. Most museums and exploratoriums have them.
6. Volunteer at an Event You Want to Attend
I don't have extra spending money to attend concerts or festivals. But that doesn't stop me from enjoying them! I've volunteered at Coachella Music Festival in Southern California, High Sierra and OutsideLands Music Festival in Northern California. Usually if you work four hours per day, you're given a ticket to enjoy the rest of that day or entire weekend if it's a festival. These festivals are a perfect way to rejuvenate your spirit. Caregiving for a family member is tough on you physically, mentally, and spiritually. Indulge in a day or weekend of positive energy and beautiful music. Usually you can meet people online to catch a ride there. I often times receive free meals from vendors that I make friends with at the festival. It is all about putting yourself out there. My experience is mainly with festivals, but you can apply this to conferences, conventions, races, and street fairs.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Being a Young Caregiver
I've watched my family shrink and shrink over the years. It wasn't a big family to begin with, I'm only the only grandchild on my mom's side. And I have an aunt and cousin on my dad's side but didn't connect with them until recently. I used to love being an only child. It was fun having the undivided attention of my parents, my aunt and my grandmother. But then my father passed away when I was eleven years old. And my aunt died when I was twenty years old. And then my mother found out she had Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer when I was twenty and passed away a year later.
So here I am, twenty five years young and feeling like the real Orphan Annie. I moved into the apartment my grandmother and mother shared to take care of them. I slept on an inflatable mattress for six months, the three of us and a dog cramped into a 1 bedroom apartment. Now with my mom gone, I am the sole caregiver to my ninety one year old grandmother and her dog.
Being a young caregiver is a hard role, and an often unsupported role. Most people in their twenties are living it up as young professionals in exciting new careers. I know my friends are. They're in New York City, Los Angeles, Portland, and Chicago. They have the freedom to only worry about themselves. I do not. I have lived with my grandmother the past year. Not only am I grieving over losing my mother and best friend, I am trying to finish my Bachelors of Science degree and work full-time for an airline. At first I just accepted that this was my role in life. That I was unlucky, and that continuing to live with my grandmother was my only option.
But now, one year after my mother's death, I find myself faced with a tough decision. Over the year I have lost my familial relationship with my grandmother-I am just her caregiver. She orders me around because she is in need of many things, and doesn't give anything in return, not even gratitude. I began to lash out at her. I never thought I would swear or purposely ignore her, but I have. It is an awful feeling to hate the person that helped raise you. But it has come to this.
So I ask myself, do I continue to put us both in this hostile environment? Or do I look for an assisted living facility? For a long time I couldn't even say that out loud. Now, after much consultation with my therapist, friends, and a clinical social worker, Grandma will be going into a home in two months. (Look for my post on assisted living care facilities.) I'm lucky that she has a good pension from working at General Hospital in San Francisco as a nurse and also has income from social security. She does not have any savings or assets, but it will be enough to pay her rent. But that means I will have to be on my own. It is a scary thought, to be completely responsible for myself. No more borrowing money from grandma or mom when I run tight, it is not a luxury I have anymore. No more advice on big decisions or boys. I am alone.
So here I am, twenty five years young and feeling like the real Orphan Annie. I moved into the apartment my grandmother and mother shared to take care of them. I slept on an inflatable mattress for six months, the three of us and a dog cramped into a 1 bedroom apartment. Now with my mom gone, I am the sole caregiver to my ninety one year old grandmother and her dog.
Being a young caregiver is a hard role, and an often unsupported role. Most people in their twenties are living it up as young professionals in exciting new careers. I know my friends are. They're in New York City, Los Angeles, Portland, and Chicago. They have the freedom to only worry about themselves. I do not. I have lived with my grandmother the past year. Not only am I grieving over losing my mother and best friend, I am trying to finish my Bachelors of Science degree and work full-time for an airline. At first I just accepted that this was my role in life. That I was unlucky, and that continuing to live with my grandmother was my only option.
But now, one year after my mother's death, I find myself faced with a tough decision. Over the year I have lost my familial relationship with my grandmother-I am just her caregiver. She orders me around because she is in need of many things, and doesn't give anything in return, not even gratitude. I began to lash out at her. I never thought I would swear or purposely ignore her, but I have. It is an awful feeling to hate the person that helped raise you. But it has come to this.
So I ask myself, do I continue to put us both in this hostile environment? Or do I look for an assisted living facility? For a long time I couldn't even say that out loud. Now, after much consultation with my therapist, friends, and a clinical social worker, Grandma will be going into a home in two months. (Look for my post on assisted living care facilities.) I'm lucky that she has a good pension from working at General Hospital in San Francisco as a nurse and also has income from social security. She does not have any savings or assets, but it will be enough to pay her rent. But that means I will have to be on my own. It is a scary thought, to be completely responsible for myself. No more borrowing money from grandma or mom when I run tight, it is not a luxury I have anymore. No more advice on big decisions or boys. I am alone.
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