I Can't Believe She's Been Gone a Whole Year

It's one year today since my mother died. 

She had been moaning, not eating, and out of it for four days. I played soothing music non stop. I stroked her hands and told her it was OK for her to join daddy and her siblings and her dad in heaven. I told her I would be fine, she had taught and loved me well. I dabbed her favorite vanilla and jasmine scented oil underneath her nose. I brushed her hair.

That night she was moaning terribly. I had to put headphones on to sleep. But I swear I heard her gasp in the middle of the night. In the morning, she was gone.

In this year since she passed I have traveled to six countries, am one semester away from being the first in my family to graduate college, and ran my first 10k race. It feels good to let go of the guilt and some of the sadness by taking care of ME. I'm only 26 and can't wait for my life to finally "start". But thinking of spending the next 60+ years without my mom is still devastating.